We’ve spent the last few weeks talking about the demolition of friendships and the hard work of setting boundaries. But what happens when the dust settles? When the ‘drama loops’ are closed and the lifeguard stand is retired, you’re left with a lot of quiet. This is the time to focus on maintaining healthy friendships and cultivate new ones. So today, we’re talking about how to use that space to build an inner circle that finally feels like a Sanctuary.
THE POST-EDIT SILENCE
I’ll be the first to admit that when you stop being the lifeguard for everyone else’s drama, it’s hard. It feels quiet, and almost like you have a ‘ghost limb’ It can be hard to fight the urge to jump back into that role you’ve gotten so used to. But this feeling will fade, because that silence isn’t ‘loneliness,’ it’s space. You’ve finally cleared the site, and now you can actually build something that you want to live in.
THE ARCHITECTURAL STANDARDS
So, now that you’ve edited out the ‘fixer-upper’ friendships, it’s time to create some non-negotiables for anyone new entering your space. This is where my top three standards come in.
1. Reciprocity: The first part is to see if this person is also a buoy, or if they’re in need of a lifeguard. Think about if they have their own ‘sanctuary’ mindset, or if they’re just another person that might get in the way of your own.
2. Emotional Equity: While most friendships and relationships will never be 50/50, it’s important to have some level of give and take. Are they someone who checks in on you, and makes you feel heard? You can provide the boat, but they need to bring their own lifejacket. Maintaining healthy friendships isn’t just about what you do for them, but what they do for you.
3. The Vibe Check: As a Libra Moon, the vibes are always very important to me. Think about whether this person fits the energy that you are cultivating in your life – are they soft, strategic, and grounded? How do you feel around them? As silly as it sounds, the vibes around a person matter way more than you think!
WATERING THE OLD GROWTH
In order to create a strong Inner Circle, one of the first ways to do so is to nurture the friendships that did survive the edit. These people are your “structural beams,” so to speak. Maintaining healthy friendships is actually one of the easiest ways to make new friends, too, because they can introduce you to more people with the same values. So here’s your challenge: send a text to someone you maybe haven’t checked in with in a while and schedule a coffee date with them.
The next step is to move from “crisis management” to “intentional hosting.” From now on, instead of being there for 2 AM trauma-dumping calls, it’s 6 PM planned dinner parties or intentional coffee dates. Plan some fun events or outings with those friends and focus your energy on building those friendships. Like they say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. We can spend so much time fixing the broken things that we forget to pay attention to the things, or people, that just aren’t as allowed. This is me giving you permission to shift your focus to them!
CULTIVATING NEW FRIENDSHIPS
As someone in her thirties, I know all too well how hard it is to make new friends. In school, we had it so easy, but once you’re out of a shared space with an obvious area of commonality, it can be hard! Especially if you also work from home.
But, here are my top 5 tips to making new friends, even when it feels hard.